[June 23, 2010—
Stella and Hobbes]
The kids are in the bath. Stella, as usual, jumped in and scooped all the Disney toys and is refusing to share. Oliver is making pathetic, reasoned attempts to get one or two.
O: Stella, please let me have Goofy and Minnie.
S: No.
O: PLLLEEASSSEE. You have ALL the toys. I just want a few.
S: They are MINE. NO. You can’t have them Oh-yi-buh! They are ALL my favorites!
O: STELLA! This is not fair. Really. It’s just not. I’m only asking for two. You have so many.
S: NO.
Instead of demanding she hand them over, I decide to try a different approach, and play on her generosity.
K: Stella, why do we share?
S: We don’t.
K. Stella. C’mon. Why do we share?
O: Because we have to. Give them to me, Stella.
K: No, we don’t just share because we have to. We share because it is a nice thing to do. Because it is the generous thing to do. Because it makes the other person happy.
O: Yes, Stella. You should make me happy.
K: Stella, don’t you want your brother to be happy?
S: (shaking her head dramatically from side to side). Noooooooo.
K: Stella. That’s not nice. It would make Oliver very happy, and me very happy, if you would share a few of those toys.
S: No. Because it would make me MOST HAPPY if I keep them here. I have them. I want ME to be happy.
K: Hand over the toys, right now Stella, or you are going to bed with no stories. None.
Stella hands over the toys, thereby avoiding a nasty, brutish and short end to her evening. Laws matter.
[Comments 3 # ]
[June 16, 2010—
Recall, He Is Only Half English]
Grandma Sue is visiting, and made frosted cupcakes with Oliver this morning. Then this:
Grandma Sue: Yes, they are lovely, and we can have them a tea time.
Oliver. Tea time? Tea time? What is tea time?
Grandma Sue: Well, it is later this afternoon and...
Oliver (interrupting): You mean there is another time we get to eat during the day? Why have I never had tea time before? WHY? WHY?
[Comments 1 # ]
[April 23, 2010—
Spice-Me!]
K reports: So I made Pad Thai. It is the tiniest bit spicy. Really. It is very mild. About five minutes in:
O: Mom! What is wrong with my mouth?
Me (Pretending this is not happening): Nothing.
O: It is! Something is very wrong! And I think my mouth is broken!
S: Owwwwwwwwww! Waaaahhh!!
Me: It is just a little spicy.
O: It is what? Spice-me?!?! I hate spytsee!! Why did you spytsme??
S: Oh no! Oh dear. It spyeee!!!
Me: Guys, it isn't that bad. Drink some milk and it will make it not be so spicy.
They both drink about a gallon of milk. Then they start eating again. About five minutes later:
O: It is spiced-tea again!
S: My nose is runnin! It making my nose runnin! Oh no! It burning! My mouf burnin' and my nose burnin'!! Wwaaaahhh!!!
O: Mom!! My mouth is burning! It is burning off my head!!
S: Waaaaahhhh!! I got snot on my spyceeee!! Now it tastes wooorrrssseee!!!
O: I cannot feel my tongue! My tongue is gone! It burned off!!!
S: Why you feed us this???? Whhhyyy??? Wwwwaahhhhh!!!
O: Now I can't feel my whole head! These noodles broke my head!! It is so spytsee I can't EVEN SEE!!
S: I gonna have a puke! I have snot and spyee!! Waaahhhh!!!
And so it went for 20 minutes. Our children are clearly not designed for adventurous travel.
[Comments 3 # ]
[April 08, 2010—
Numerology]
K reports: Oliver and Stella are in the bath. Oliver puts up eight foam numbers on the wall, with the intention of "teaching" Stella her numerals.
O: Okay, Stella. Point to the number five!
Stella, who is making a pretend pie in a plastic bucket full of water, glances up at the numbers, decides she can't be bothered, and randomly waves her hand at one of them.
O: Oops, Stella. That is WRONG. That is not a five. That is a two. Here, I will make it easier for you.
Oliver removes several of the numbers, so now there are only a few on the wall.
O: Stella, Stella! Look up here. Now, let’s see if you can do this. Please point to the number five!
Stella looks up from her pie. She’s very bored with this lesson. She waves her hand at a four.
O: Oh dear, Stella. That is not right either. That is a four. It is a number. Okay, Stella? Okay? The number four. Maybe there is a way to make this easier.
Oliver starts fishing around in the bathtub. I start washing their hair and am not paying attention. Suddenly, I hear Oliver.
O: (In a slow voice, clearly designed to indicate he believes he is speaking to a mental incompetent.) ”Ooookaaaay Steeeellllla. Let’s see if you can do it thiiiis time. Can...You...Point...To...The...Number...Five?
I look up at the wall. Oliver has put only fives on the wall. I have to duck my head so that they won't see me laughing.
Stella looks at the wall. And, as she is in fact no dummy but rather lives to annoy her brother, refuses to make a choice.
Oliver: Stella! Stella! C’mon! You can't even get it wrong! Choose one! It's SO easy! I MADE IT so easy!
Stella finally waves at a number.
O: (sounding relieved.) That is right, Stella. Good job. You did it. That is a five. Maybe you are smart.
I think I saw Stella rolling her eyes.
[Comments 1 # ]
[March 27, 2010—
Travels]
From K: A list of where the kids want to visit in the world, in the order they listed:
O: Minnesota
S: Oregon
O: Kenya
S: Africa (Stella was unpersuaded by Oliver's argument that was covered by Kenya)
O: India
S: Italy
O: California. But only to Disneyland
S: Teenia (Stella was unpersuaded by Oliver's argument there was no such country)
O: Mozambique
S: Hawaii
O: Dehli (Oliver was unpersuaded by my argument that this was covered by India)
S: Hawaii (Stella was unpersuaded by Oliver that she'd already said that)
O: Buenos Aires (but only the one in, uh, Brazil)
S: Hawaii (Stella really wants to go to Hawaii)
O: Mexico, because "it is below Texas"
S: A place with a castle where Cinderella lives.
[Comments 0 # ]
[March 23, 2010—
Alloiteration]
K: Oliver just undid a foil wrapper from a chocolate Easter egg. He then asked if I would throw it in the trash and said he was sorry for "littering." Two minutes later he added: "I’m also sorry for loitering."
[Comments 0 # ]
[March 13, 2010—
Big Numbers]
O: How many people are in the world?
K: 5 billion or so
O: Wrong! Jess says 6 billion
Me: OK. Fine. 6 billion
O: Have I met them all yet?
Me: No. That would be hard. It would take more than your whole life.
O: Why? It would only take 6 billion minutes
Me: Six billion minutes is a long time. It is years.
O: How many years?
I try to use my blackberry calculator. It doesn't go that high. I try to do it on paper. I fail and give up
Me: I can't do it
O: You aren't very good with numbers. Maybe you need to go to school with me. Here. Here is a test. What comes after five biliion 999 million 999 thousand 999?
Me: Six billion?
O: Good! That is right! Do you know what else is five biliion 999 million 999 thousand 999?
Me: No?
O: The number of people I still need to meet. And you still haven't told me how many years it will take to do it. Maybe in 6 billion minutes you will have figured out the answer.
[Comments 2 # ]
[February 04, 2010—
Stella Bugs Out]
From K: A ladybug starts flying around the kitchen table light. Stella goes into her usual hysterics about "bugs," wailing and crying. I get the bug.
O: (imperiously) Stella bugs can NOT hurt you, except bees which sting you all the time. Ladybugs are nice. Butterflies are nice. Ants are nice.
S: No, Oh-ber!!!! No!!! Ladybugs are very bad and dey sting me on duh ear!!!
O: Stella, laybugs do not sting and butterflies do not sting
S: NO OH-BER!!!! Duh butterflies are not nice and dey chew off my legs!!
Me: Stella, I don't think any ladybugs will chew off your legs.
S: They dooooo Mom!!! At night!! When you is sleeping. They come in my room!!
Me: Stella that is not true.
S: It isss!!!! Mom!!! It is!! And the stinkbugs bad too. They eat my eyeballs!!
Me: Uhhhhh.
O: Mom!! Mom!! Will they eat my eyeballs??!! Mom!!! DID they eat my eyeballs and so this is why I have glasses??!!
S: Oh no!!! Oh dear!! I need glasses too!!?? Cuz stinkbugs??? I can't see!!!
[Comments 1 # ]
[December 09, 2009—
Sleeping]
K says: I tell the kids that since Daddy is staying in town, they can (for once) sleep in Mommy’s bed. They are SO excited. We can barely eat dinner. We can barely make it through bath. After bath, Stella climbs into the bed and is so worried she might have to leave it that she initially refuses to let me put on her pajamas. We read stories. Then we get read for bed.
Me: Okay Oliver, you sleep on the outside here, Stella in the middle, and me over here.
O: Why? I want you to be in the middle
Me: I don't want Stella to fall out of bed.
O: Why?
Me: Because it would hurt.
O: What about me? What if I fall out of bed? Don't you care if I fall out of bed?
Me: Of course. But you are a big boy who already sleeps in a big boy bed, so know how to not fall out of it.
O: Oh.
I turn out the light. My devious plan: They will be so happy to be in mommy's bed, I will make them be quiet and they will fall asleep quickly. Then I can get up and watch TV until it is time for me to go to bed.
Twenty minutes later:
Me: Oliver, stop talking
Oliver: I'm not talking. I'm whispering. It isn’t the same thing.
Me: Stop whispering.
Oliver: Why?
Me: It is time to go to sleep. Stop.
Silence for about twenty seconds
Oliver: Hey Mom! I stopped talking.
Me: You just talked.
Oliver: Oh, yeah.
Stella: Stop talking Oh-ber!! Can't seep! Be quiet!
Oliver: Mom, Stella is talking too.
Forty minutes later:
Stella: Stop touching me, Oh-ber
Oliver: I'm not!
Stella: You ARE. Mommy, Oh-ber touching me. Can't seep.
Oliver: This is why you need to be in the middle, Mom.
I get in the middle.
One hour later:
Oliver is giggling. Stella is giggling. They are poking each others bellybuttons. I inform the kids there is a change of plans. They will go to sleep in their own beds, and I will move them to mine when I come to sleep, so they can wake up with Mom in Mom’s bed. Promise. They are okay with this. they go to their beds and go to sleep. I watch TV. I come to bed and dutifully drag them, asleep, to mine. I turn out the lights.
1:30 am.
Stella: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all way!! Jingle bell, jingle bells. Hey!
Oliver: Snore. Loud snoring.
Me: Stella, go to sleep. No singing.
Stella put her finger up my nose. Giggles.
Me: Serious, Stella. If you don’t be quiet, I'm going to put you in your own room.
Stella: Okay!
Me: You want to go to your room?
Stella: Yes! PLEASE!
Me: Why?
Stella: Oh-ber is SNORING. Can't SEEP. And you taking up WHOLE BED!!
Me: Fine.
I take Stella to her bed. She goes to sleep.
6:30:
I wake up to huge Oliver face right above mine.
O: MOM!! MOM!! WE LOST STELLA!!! SHE IS NOT IN THE BED!! I LOOKED AND SHE IS NOT DOWN UNDER THE COVERS AND SHE IS NOT UNDER THE BED!! WE LOST HER!! OH DEAR! OH NO! DADDY WILL BE SO MAD! HE LIKES STELLA!
[Comments 4 # ]
[November 06, 2009—
Cinders]
We are playing with the pop-together beads.
S: Canyu make me necklace?
O: Sure! (I make Stella a necklace)
S: Canyu make me bracelet?
I make Stella a bracelet.
S: Annudder one?
I make her like six more.
S: Canyu make me ring?
I make Stella rings for every one of her fingers. Stella stands up.
S: Now do I look like Cinderella?
Me: Yes. you look so pretty.
Stella does her weird ballet impression, which involves closing her eyes, tipping her head back and trying to stand on her toes without falling over.
Stella: Do I dance like Cinderella?
Me: Yes, you dance beautifully
Stella: Canni BE Cinderalla?
Me: Sure!
Stella: Canni have glass slipper?
Me: Yes! (I get her one of her sparkly red shoes)
Stella: Canni have mouses called jack-gus?
Me: Of course! You can have them! They are living in our pantry! (We go to look. Then I get her the stuffed rat)
Stella: Canni have pretty dress? (We put on her red riding cape)
Then Stella looks at me with a naughty grin.
Stella: Canni have wicked stepmudder?
[Comments 0 # ]
[November 06, 2009—
Dogs]
O: We need a dog, Mom.
Me: Yes! I would love a dog. Let’s ask daddy.
O: Yes!
Me: what kind of dog would you like?
Oliver thinks: We need a dog that speaks English, I think.
Me: Um, dogs don’t speak English, Oliver. They just speak “dog.” They bark.
O: They don’t even speak Spanish?
Me: No
O: Oh. Well, we need to name the dog “Marina.”
Me: Marina? Why Marina?
O: Because that is Italian.
Me: Uh, oh.
O: And she can have a nickname. Her nickname will be “Ritorni.”
Me: Why?
O: Because that is also Italian, MOM.
Me. Got it. Yes, but what kind of dog do you want? What color?
O: Purple and yellow
Me: Well, Oliver, dogs don’t usually come in purple and yellow. Most dogs are white or black or brown.
O: We need a white dog with black spots!
Me: That’s a dalmation! You want a dalmation?
O: (in a voice that suggests I’m retarded): No, MOM. We can not get a DALMATION. If we got a DALMATION, we’d have to get 101 and of them!
Me: Why?
O: Because that’s what it is in the movie. It is always 101 Dalmations. And that is a lot. And they can not all sleep in my room.
Me: I see. Well, do you want a big dog or a little dog?
O: I would like a medium-small dog. Because a big dog would not fit in the house. And a big dog would not fit in my mouth. Which is good. Because dogs are not for eating.
Me: Uhh, true.
O: Except if you are Chinese.
[Comments 0 # ]
[October 28, 2009—
Oliver and the Art of Deflection]
At the opticians:
Eye Assistant to Oliver: Can You see this letter?
O: e!!
Asst: Great. Can you see these?
O: a d f g!!
Asst: Wonderful. And these?
O: mzpq!
Asst. Good. Now tell me these
O: No.
Asst: Can you see them?
O: I just told you, no.
Asst. Try again.
O: How about you read them.
Asst. These are for you to read
O: Can you not READ??
Asst. Yes I can read. Here, just try one.
O: It is okay you cannot read. My sister cannot read either. But how old are you?
Asst. Just try this one. What do you think it looks like?
O: What do YOU think it looks like?
Asst. You tell me!
O: Really, you should try it. Reading is fun.
Asst: Can you not see it?
O: Yes I can [he clearly can't]. It is a...letter!! Right?? Right!!!
Asst: Yes.
O: See, I told you I can see it.
Asst. Let's try a different one.
O: What is your name?
Asst. How about this?
O: Do you go to school?
Asst. Almost done, try one more time. What is this one?
O: It is Halloween on Saturday.
[Comments 1 # ]
[October 28, 2009—
Halloween, the Preamble]
So, Stella finishes breakfast and insists on putting on her Little Red Riding Hood costume that just arrived. She puts it on. She thinks she is hot stuff. She acts like a total girl for about five minutes. She twirls, she looks in the mirror, she fusses with her hood, she dances, she informs us she is pretty. Oliver watches this, annoyed.
S: Look, Oh-ver, I Red Hood Little Riding. I pitty.
O: Mom, when is my Big Bad Wolf costume coming?
Me: Hopefully today.
O: Can I try mine on too?
Me: Sure
S: LOOK OH-VER, I Red Hood Riding!!! I pitty!!
O: Stella, when I get my costume, I will put it on, and then I get to eat you up!
S: No!
O: YES! That is what happens in the story. The Big Bad Wolf EATS Little Red Riding Hood. It is the story! I get to eat you up!
Stella swaps character and becomes Grendel-esque.
S: NO OH-VER! NO! Little Red Hood Riding eat YOU up!!
She growls. Takes menacing step toward him in red cape. Oliver backs up.
O: MOM! MOM! Tell Stella that the story is that I eat her up. Not that she eats me up!
S: I EAT YOU OH-VER! I GET YOU OH-VER! HOOD LITTLE RIDING RED EAT YOU!! I EAT WOLF!
O: MOM!! MOM! That is not the story, mom!
Me: Guys, this is just Halloween. We are just dressing up so that we can go out and trick or treat. And you will get candy! Nobody is eating anybody up.
They both consider the candy aspect. Oliver looks happy again.
O: Okay. Stella, I won’t eat you up. I will just get candy, and eat that.
S: I get candy too?
Me: Yes.
S: I not eat Oh-ver?
Me: No.
S: Okay. I not eat Oh-ver.
She gets another evil look in her eyes.
S: I eat OH-VERS CANDY!!!!!!
O: MOM!! MOM!!!
[Comments 0 # ]
[October 06, 2009—
Who Says He Doesn't Have an Active Imagination?]
This is a message Oliver left on my work voice mail a while ago. I just rediscovered it:
O: Hello, this is Oliver.
O: How are you?
O: Good.
O: I am fine, thanks for asking.
O: By the way, I am eating Jello.
O: Oh I am. Yeah, yah yah
O: What did I do today with Mom?
O: Uh, er. I goed to the library and got new library books. And a Magic Schoolbus movie and books for Stella.
O: Now I am going to go back and eat my Jello. Thanks. Speak to you later.
K: Hello.
K: Oliver, is Dad on the phone?
K: Oliver, did you talk to the voicemail?
[Comments 0 # ]
[September 21, 2009—
Planning II]
So, we get to the fabric store. Oliver has all the books laid out in front him, but he's not happy. He wants to be a banana, and we have no banana patterns today. Stella has climbed under the counter and is hiding, and from the grunting noises echoing through the fabric store, you can guess she has higher priorities than Halloween costumes. Suddenly Oliver sees something.
O: I want to be this!
Me: Oliver, that's Tinkerbell.
O: Yes, I want to be Tinkerbell!
Me: I don't think you want to be Tinkerbell. That's a girl costume.
O: No it's not.
Me: Uh yes it is. Tinkerbell is a girl.
O: No she's not.
Me: Yes, SHE is.
O: Well I want to be a boy Tinkerbell.
Me: Oliver, there isn't a boy Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell is simply a girl.
O: Why?
Me: I don’t know why.
Stella, suddenly peeking up from under the counter, interested: I wan be Tinkerbell too!
O: You can't be Tinkerbell. You have black hair. Tinkerbell has yellow hair.
Me: Oliver, you have black hair too.
O: Oh yah! That's funny.
Stella: I WAN BE TINKERBELL TOO! I WAN BE TINKERBELL TOO!
Me: Stella, Oliver is not going to be Tinkerbell.
S: Oh
Me: Do you still want to be Tinkerbell?
S: No.
S: I wan be cake!
Me: There is no cake pattern.
O: Can I please be a banana?
S: I WAN BE BANANA!!
Me: There is no banana pattern. There is no cake pattern. How about Raggedy Anne and Andy!!!
O: Boring.
Me: How about two Indians!
O: What is an Indian?
S: I WAN BE INDIAN!
O: No, I do not want to be an Indian.
Me: How about two pirates??! Or two scarecrows??!
O: Can we be bacon and eggs?
Me: Uh, I don’t see any patterns for bacon and eggs.
O: I WAN BE EGGS!!!!
Needless to say, it was not a fruitful trip. We have come home with no patterns.
[Comments 3 # ]
